SELF-Doubting Myself
Self-Doubting Myself
Size: 60.69 x 91.44 cm Medium: Graphite on Illustration Board Completed: December 1st, 2018 "Self-Doubting Myself" is a Self-Portrait with themes of identity and Imposter Syndrome: feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt that persist despite evident success. The monster's gazing eyes, twisted composition, and toothy-smile illustrate anxiety, and my figure portrays identity-crisis with a lack of any facial features or personality in my clothing. This piece takes inspiration from artist Shawn Coss, videogames "Celeste" and "Inside", along with films "Alien" and "Venom". |
INSPIRATIONS
Shawn Coss was the primary inspiration for the work, with his 2018 Inktober visually portraying mental disorders. While his work did not influence my art style, he did influence the presentation of my self-portrait, and how I would convey my individual experience with social anxiety. For the design of the creature, it was inspired by the monster featured in Celeste, a video-game published by Indie company Matt Makes Games. Direct inspiration was taken for its look, with the lack of any distinct face and multiple eyes around its body. The films Alien and Venom influenced the design of the face and the tendril-like form the creature takes.
PLANNING
The first planning sketch made had a more traditional design, with my face in the center of the composition. Not having my portrait looking at the phone - seen in the reflection of his glasses - visualizes discomfort and the disconnection from the viewer. This disconnection is important in showing my anxiety, and how someone with anxiety would avoid eye-contact. The cracked phone screen that essentially frames the work is a tool used to transport the viewer into my perspective and see what I see. The creature in the background of the piece is the visualization of my anxiety; the ambiguity of the creature's design is a metaphor about how I myself don't fully understand my anxiety and its root-causes, in turn making it have no "form". The hands clutching my shoulders are to show its dominance and control over me when it comes to my anxiety.
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With the second planning sketch, I wanted to experiment with the work's composition, and create a from that could represent anxiety. For the composition, I did three thumbnail sketches that each varied in the presentation of the creature: the first thumbnail showing the creature wrapping around my figure to show its control and provoke the idea of entrapment, and the following two showing its dominance through my figure sitting on it, and in height towering over my own. The placement of the creature's eyes was intentional in visually conveying the feeling of being watched at all times indirectly. The creature's tongue wrapped around my arm was to show its control in hitting the action of delete. Both the creature and I lacking a complete face shows the correlations between me and my anxiety.
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PROCESS, IDEAS, and Intentions
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During the process, I started with a rough outline of the creature's from, then on my own form. Next, I started detailing out the face of the creature, first on using line to refine the form of its head. Then, I made the shape of the mouth and teeth. then the tongue's shape. I continued to use line, drawing strokes parallel to the grooves of the creature's outline to create movement and form. With the eyes and folds in the creature's features, I used line and value to create emphasis on the eyes irises and folds. As for my figure, I used line with varying weights to create shadow and form, as well to define the edges of my figure in areas of emphasis, such as the phone and text associated with it.
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Experimentation
For my planning sketches, I experimented with the second-draft of my self-portrait through the composition of the work and the look of the creature. With the work's composition, I drew three thumbnail sketches that varied the creature's movement throughout the piece. While the first thumbnail utilized space, I felt that the creature body coming across the middle of the frame in the foreground distracted from the work's focus in the middle-ground. The second and third thumbnail sketches used shape / form more effectively than the first and more eye-appealing movement that helps guide your eye around the piece. With the creature's face, I experimented with different designs - starting off more cartoon-like, but ending with something more realistic. In my final sketch, I decided to remove the eyes entirely as it gave the creature limited expression and personality.
In the final work I also experimented with the use of line to create texture and form on the creature. Heavier line-weight surrounds all of the edges of the work in order to define its form. Varying line-weights are used in repetition in both the creature and the figure to create texture, depth, and movement around the piece. I made the line-weight heavier on the phone and by the face to add emphasis to those areas of the work.
In the final work I also experimented with the use of line to create texture and form on the creature. Heavier line-weight surrounds all of the edges of the work in order to define its form. Varying line-weights are used in repetition in both the creature and the figure to create texture, depth, and movement around the piece. I made the line-weight heavier on the phone and by the face to add emphasis to those areas of the work.
CRITIQUE
I was able to successfully apply my inspirations into the work. I used features from Shawn Coss's Inktober works focusing on mental disorders, Venom, Alien, and Celeste's monster and drew them for reference to create my creature. Then using the protagonist from Inside as reference to create my portrait in the piece, with the lack of identity in correlation to it being taken and threatened by the work's creature.
REFLECTION
In "Self-Doubting Myself" I acheived the intention of visualizing my social anxiety. I utilized characteristics from Shawn Coss's Inktober works, Venom, Alien, and Celeste's monster to create my own monster that represents social anxiety and its manipulation towards my actions with electronic social interaction. The protagonist of the videogame "Inside" lacking a face directly inspired the presentation of myself not having a face; the lack of my figure having a face is to convey how anxiety prohibits my emotional expression and identity.
ACT Responses
- Clearly explain how you are able to identify the cause-effect relationships between your inspiration and its affect upon your artwork: Shawn Coss influenced the visual approach to the work, and Celeste heavily influenced the look of the creature.
- What is the overall approach the author has regarding the topic of your inspiration: The overall approach behind Shawn Coss and Celeste's work is to raise awareness about anxiety / disorders, and how to face the challenges that come with dealing ones anxiety.
- What kind of generalizations and conclusions have you discovered about people, ideas, cultures, etc. while you researched your inspiration: What I've learned is how integrated anxiety is in out lives - being a byproduct of stress, repeated obstacles, and repeated failures. Shawn Coss as an artist and Celeste as a video-game made me recognize that there are other people with anxiety like myself.
- What was the central idea of theme around your inspirational research: The central theme around my main inspirations was anxiety. Shawn Coss displayed different disorders - one of them being social anxiety - and Celeste's core theme focusing on anxiety and the hardships one faces to overcome their obstacles.
- What kind of inferences did you make while reading your research: Inferences I made during my research was anxiety and the various forms that it takes. Shawn Coss uses his work as a tool to raise awareness about mental disorders and how they affect people. Celeste as a game is about anxiety, and conveys this through its eye-like creatures. Alien, Venom, and Inside all affected the visual presentation of the creature and myself.